Mid-a nice Sunday walk around the city, I stopped in a restaurant to cool off and meet Heather. I sat down and soon after a Western man and a Khmer girl were seated at the table near me.
I fought the initial judgment that he is paying for a variation of her services so I told myself they are just a regular couple out to grab a bite on a nice Sunday afternoon! I am not claiming that after observing their interaction I know that was not the case. It is not my situation to judge, nor is that the point for this post. I am sharing what I heard and observed because of the effect it had on my process as a person living here engaging in the issue of prostitution.
With that said, here's what I heard and saw:
They were seated and as the waiter stood waiting for their order the man told this girl she could get anything she wanted on the menu...anything at all! She gave a giddy squeal of delight, stroking his arm. After she ordered (he didn't want anything) he began talking. And he pretty much didn't stop talking from that point on. Through the conversation, he continually mentioned his money; how much this cost...how much that cost, of course letting her know she could use ALL of these things he had ANYTIME she wanted! To which she giggled and said, "Really?!...No!!" He offered her some more food but said she better not get fat! He referenced how he has been bringing her food recently but jokingly warned her he might have to stop if she starts getting fat! Then he said it once more...kind of lost the "jokey feel" the second time around. He talked about his job. He talked about where he lived. He talked about his family. He talked about all of his friends back in his country. He talked. And he talked. And he talked. He did stop to take two pictures of her on his "brand new camera!!"---so he could show his family and friends back home, of course. And then he talked. On and on. It was the hardest I've seen someone work in what can only be referred to as a one-sided conversation with himself, for himself.
When I see these men through the lens of what they are doing to these young women and girls, to say they infuriate me is an understatement.
With that said, I am grateful for moments such as these where God lends bits of His eyes and His heart through which to see.
As I watched I no longer saw a man, I saw a boy. I saw a boy so gripped by fear that he isn't worth anything. That he isn't good enough. A boy so consumed by this fear that he is "presenting his case" to someone he has no relationship with. Speaking of anything and everything--his proof to her that he is something special. Trying to prove it to her, but really trying desperately to believe it himself.
He has plenty of supporting evidence for his case: he's got the expensive moto, the body, the phone, the camera, the job...in his mind his proof is strong! On top of that he can have a girl to dote on him and stroke his ego---the evidence is complete! Now the moment of truth: has he convinced this girl? But really, has he convinced himself? How he longs for 'the moment' when he can fully feel and believe a strong ...YES! Where he can rest assured that he "has made it"...he is in fact good enough..not merely good enough but he is something special!
I wonder how long he has been chasing 'the moment'?
I wonder when he will realize that this chase will go on forever so long as his supporting evidence for 'the moment' islifeless dust.
How much longer will this man go on grabbing hold of things that are dead to bring him life??
As the Source of Life, where this man's worth lies, stands by calling to him, waiting for this man to turn and look at Him! See your Father, and in turn see your true self for the first time!
Sunday, I saw the brokenness not of this man in particular but the possible brokenness of the man in the equation of this issue. I have hope. I have hope that someday he will know his true identity. He will see himself through the eyes of The One that created him and he can fall into the arms of love knowing that he absolutely is something special. He is a beloved--intentionally created--child of the God of the Universe. Doesn't get much more special than that.
Makes me pause and think...Do I remind myself of this enough so that I myself am not grabbing lifeless dust...building my own case for my worth?? How similar we are.
I do have hope. Because God is in this thing. That I know for sure.
In the meantime, I grieve the damage his brokenness is wreaking on the lives of others.
Please read this article from the Phnom Penh post about an event this past Monday (National Anti-Trafficking Day) where two young girls renacted their past when they were illegally trafficked:
There have been mixed reactions among organizations here; some celebrating this event as a step in the right direction and others appalled.
Chab Dai an organization committed to ending slavery and trafficking through coalition, advocacy and research posted this response yesterday on their facebook page:
"We are absolutely DISGUSTED by this article and practice... blatant re-victimization and exploitation of victims at it's worst! We are planning to advocate strongly against this practice re-occuring... will you join us by sharing this link and your feelings about it with others?" (and then a link to the article)
I read Chab Dai's reaction first, which led me to read the article in a different way then I believe I would have initially. It prompts so many thoughts and questions!
Is it possible that this is a step in the healing process for these young girls? Did the organizations putting on this event take re-victimization into consideration? (I would absolutely think so!) Was this performance traumitizing for these young girls? What was the "follow-up care" for these girls after this event, if any?
How is awareness responsibly raised?
Is it possible for victims' experiences to be respectfully shared without re-victimization while honoring them in the process? How??
Time here is a strange thing. I feel like life rushes by and every night I go to bed and wonder where the day has gone! The past couple of weeks have been jam-packed, but they have been pretty fantastic!
Lana, one of my friends from Water of Life (the church I attend) goes to Takeo, a province outside of the city, every week from Monday to Wednesday to help teach at a school there. A couple weeks ago she invited me to go with her sometime and I am beyond thankful it actually worked out this week.
So, I got to go to the province! We took the bus from Phnom Penh and arrived in Takeo a little after lunchtime Monday afternoon and got back Wednesday.
My time there was absolutely wonderful. Life in the province is so different from anything I have ever known. I enjoyed the simplicity of it all. I enjoyed the peace. I enjoyed the quiet. It was refreshing.
Tuesday afternoon in Takeo, as I was showering my mind wandered to my typical shower in the states. Hopping into a porcelain tub, turning the water on, adjusting the temperature to hot (but not too hot!!), pulling that little thingy up so that the water starts coming out the showerhead. First shampoo, next face wash, conditioner, and finally body wash. Once I’m all clean turn off the water, grab two towels, one for my hair, one for my body, dry off and mission accomplished: clean as a whistle!
Found myself in a slightly different reality showering here! I am standing next to a large basin filled with water that has been collected and funneled from the last time it rained, a plastic bowl in my hand. I take the bowl fill it up with water and dump it over myself. Put some soap in my hair, try to scrub the dirt off my feet and hands, grab the bowl again dunk it in the basin of water and dump it over me until the suds are gone. Then, grab my 5”X10” towel that I bought from the market that day for $1 and dry off. Once again, but in a completely different way, mission accomplished: feeling clean and refreshed!
I think of all the times I have complained when a shower doesn’t have good water pressure, or the amount of money I would justify spending on a desired showerhead in the states. In this moment is seems 100% completely insane to me!! I feel embarrassed of my spending and lifestyle!
I had the same reaction with the cooking/eating process. One of the two teachers cooked for us the entire time (he is 21 and is a GREAT cook…we chatted about him opening a restaurant someday. I’ll be first in line to eat there. But that’s neither here nor there :) ). He cooked everything in one of the classrooms. There is no separate room designated as a 'kitchen'. There is one wooden cutting board and one big knife that he uses to cut everything: the fruits, the veggies, the meat, all of it. There is no refrigerator, no oven. No sink. No running water. We used the same three glasses for any and all beverages: hot tea, coffee, water. No particular dishes for specific culinary needs. At the end of the day all of the dishes/cooking supplies are kept on a wooden shelf outside. So different but man did we have great meals and delicious food!
My goodness the money I see spent in the states on kitchen “needs”! The money I personally justify spending! I think of the cupboards and drawers filled with dishes upon dishes! A knife set to cater to specific foods, different pots and pans; all designed for a specific purpose and culinary “need”. What in the world! Madness to me in this moment!!
It was just so different. Initially, I felt like a rich snob who clearly has been living in sin because I have had all of these things and how unnecessary they are. As I sat in that feeling I wondered if that is what I am to learn from this experience: I've been living wrong. Didn’t seem like it. Okay...........so it is different. But just because it is different does that intrinsically mean one way is superior to the other? One way is more responsible, more right, more Holy than the other? God is more pleased with people in one situation because of the situation they are living in?
Does God look down and say ‘shame on you Laura’ as I hop in the shower with running water and a showerhead? As I use Cutco knives and put something in an oven? No, I don’t think so.
Here is where God brought me: none of "the stuff" is the point. I hear Him say the external circumstances and situations are not what He is concerned about. For Him, all that matters is the internal…all that matters is the heart.
Whether I am standing in a porcelain tub or pouring rainwater over my head, it doesn’t matter. Where does my heart lie? In what do I place my hope? In what do I place my trust? What sustains me?
What is my heart attached to above all else?
I desire the Lord above all else. I seek relationship with Him above all else. Therefore I may have much, I may have little but take it all, change it all, it is all up for grabs. My hands are open to everything in this world.... but they are tightly closed around Jesus Christ, around the cross. God has my heart.
I type this now and realize my need to daily declare this! And OH HOW I PRAY that my life reflects this today, tomorrow, forever. No matter where I am, who I am with or what I have. Only by God’s grace.
(These pictures are all from my time in the province. Teaching the English classes Tuesday night, enjoying the hammock, excited for the meal, and the view from our sunrise hike to a temple)
I saw and met Jesus face-to-face for the first time three years ago today (written Oct 17th). Up until this point my life was just that…It was my life. I had plans and dreams I was holding onto, attempting to manipulate circumstances, trying to make sure things happened just right so that I would see these plans and dreams of mine come to pass. I made decisions based on what I wanted, based on what was "right" in my mind. This brought me into chaos, trying to be sustained on what cannot sustain. Trying to find life outside of the One who created it. It was in this place that I sat three years ago. And it was in this state where I met Jesus for the first time face-to-face.
Naturally, I reflected on this moment in my life, as today is the three-year anniversary :)
The couple of months that followed that night I experienced intense freedom, like never before. I was free to love and live fully in the moment without fear, without chaos, and without anxiety because I knew I was fully known, fully loved and fully cared for by the Creator of the Universe. What else matters?! This freed me to let go and let God do the rest! I knew that focusing on circumstances, attempting to orchestrate things together, and manipulate things for a desired outcome would only result in this newly experienced freedom and peace to slowly fade away. So I remained in a place of open hands to the Lord. All I really desired was to know Him more and love Him more.
“You’ve saved me. All I desire is to stay in the center of Your Love and live life with You, for this is real life, and this is freedom. I move when You move. Use me. I am Yours,” I spoke to Him.
I found myself thinking back on this event in a different way today. Wondering what is so different about me today, and where I am today. I began to have questions:
Here on the mission field in Cambodia is my heart the same?
Is life and my task as a Follower still that simple?
Why does it feel so much more complicated at times here?
Here is what the Lord shared with me. My anniversary gift from Jesus:
“My love, yes, we are in that same place today. Just because you have known me now for some time doesn't mean you now have the ability to know My future plans for you. It doesn't mean you now can work hard to make sure those plans come to fruition. I am the same God as that night and you are still just as human as you were that night. You are just as dependent on me now; and your task as My Follower is just the same as it was then.
Remember that night: In that moment three years ago you realized my unconditional love for you, my never-ending pursuit of you. You realized that I sent My Son to die for you in all of your mess and brokenness. This realization of My Love for you for the first time overwhelmed you and caused you toopen your hands to Me. You let go of your agenda, and gave your life to me.You said Thy will, not mine, be done. You desired Me above all else. Just to be with Me. Just to know Me.
Your "task" today is to remain in that same posture you entered into for the first time that night. Remain in Me,remain in this realization of My Love for you. As you let the realization of My Love for you continually wash over you anew it will overwhelm you...let it.
Allow the reality of My Love to continually live inside of you. My Love then pours out of you. And that is why I've called you here. Yes, it really is that simple, Laura.
This is your purpose here today, this is your purpose tomorrow, this is your purpose 20 years from now... where ever I bring you. I orchestrate it all. I've got the details covered. I place the people in front of you. I lead you into the specifics, you simply let go of the rest, stay with Me, let My Love be alive inside of you and pour out of you."
YES. I needed this reminder....I continually need this reminder! It is shocking how quickly I lose sight of it in the daily moments of life. I can get caught up and find myself believing I need to know where I am going, know the work I will do here. Believing that I need to know specifically how God will use me so that I can do the appropriate things to make that happen. Following is much more basic than this. Following the Lord is a daily, moment-to-moment intimacy. It is not projecting into the future.
*It is remaining in His Presence in the present*
My Work in Cambodia To-Do List:
FREELY LOVE out of HIS LOVE...
IN THE PRESENT MOMENT...
TO THE ONE IN FRONT OF ME.
GOD you are good. I LOVE YOU. Thank you for reminding me. Thank you for loving me. THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING ME IN YOUR WORK. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for letting me know you. And thank you that I can be so close to you. I love you. I love you. Thank you.
(*Phrase from September 30th of Jesus Calling by Sarah Young*)
(I took this picture of my reflection in the building across from me this past Sunday. I took this from where I was standing taking photos from above as MANY were baptized at Water of Life, the church I have been blessed to attend here)
Why do I feel entitled? So deserving?
When I am “slighted” why do I get irked?
Feel like I've been cheated out of something?
Out of what? What do I feel I deserve?
As I think about this some of my own thoughts come to mind:
(Not my proudest moment actually realizing and writing these out)
“I deserve personal space; my space is my space. Doesn’t have to be a lot but at least some space that is my own.”
“I deserve my own time to make my own schedule. I can fit you in here and there but don’t interrupt what I have planned.”
“I deserve my morning coffee, I have a long day ahead of me.”
“I deserve relaxation; you have no idea how crazy life has been lately.”
“I deserve fun. It’s been all work lately.”
“I deserve to not always be 'the little red hen' in my community. Sometimes…sure! I love to serve! But It has to be a little even. I deserve to be served in return sometimes!”
“I deserve heath and a properly functioning body.”
“I deserve to be honored and treated well.”
“I deserve good friends. I deserve a loving family.”
I deserve, I deserve, I deserve…
I deserve goodness. I deserve happiness.”
Reality:I deserve none of it.
Father, I thank you that you don’t treat me like I deserve.
Because what I actually deserve is what your Son endured FOR ME on the cross.
I have done nothing to deserve anything except death. But yet here I sit: I have a loving family, I have good health, I live in loving community, I have food, I have money, I have opportunity, I have life. And I have hope for eternal life.
Out of your unfathomable love my life is full of goodness.
Let me not be deceived…it is full of goodness by your gracious love, not because I am entitled to goodness.
Before my pouty-little-self gets wrapped up in "not getting what I deserve" I had better remember what it is that I actually deserve! How flawed is my thinking. How self-centered! I ask Father: remove this veil of deception that leads me to believe that anything in my life is "mine", that I am entitled to anything. LET ME SEE MY LIFE FOR WHAT IT IS:
empty unless you fill it!
nothing unless you sustain it!
“My” shirt.
“My” house.
“My” money.
“My” time.
“My” life.
No! None of it mine! All of it yours. Graciously given to me out of your crazy love.
Much harder to be protective and fussy over things that were never mine in the first place.
“Freely you have received, freely give.” Matthew 10:8
FREELY!! FREELY I have received, so now FREELY I give.
Father, let my daily life be a reflection of this.
All from you, all for you.
Lately life here has an undertone of missing home. Missing people, missing specific places, missing the food, even missing really small simple things. For example I have found myself missing carpeting. Yea…strange, I know? Never realized I had a personal attachment to carpeting, but apparently I do!
I suppose it is just missing familiarity. Missing life as I know it....or knew it??
Here it is all new all the time. I am always learning. The simplest task here is unfamiliar and takes a reorientation in my mind of how it works. For example: buying groceries. It isn’t making a list, getting in the car, driving to any grocery store, purchasing items, and driving home. It’s different now; I redefine what it looks like to get groceries. Starts with remembering which market is best for which foods, how to get to the market- tuk-tuk/walk?, if walking, remember how to actually get there, remember what the appropriate prices are if I am going to attempt to barter, remember the money values in Khmer so that hopefully I can barter in Khmer and consequently get better prices, if I can’t remember the Khmer then settle knowing I am getting charged more than I should, being okay with that, take the food, make sure I get the right change blah blah blah...I find myself in a chaotic whirlwind of checklists in my head of what to do next, what to say, how to say it. It is new, it is different, and I still don’t feel comfortable in it.
This is the case for so many things! Making coffee, knowing what I’m actually ordering in a restaurant, buying new sheets, learning the language, exercising, paying bills, getting drinkable water for the house, the list goes on and on. Don’t get me wrong, it is fun and exciting. But lately I just wanted to feel comfortable doing things.....and BAM! As soon as that statement comes out there is guilt by it's side for feeling this way because as a "good missionary" I should be fully embracing and celebrating this new culture! (caution: this next sentence contains honesty) Well, sometimes I just miss the way I used to do things! I miss feeling like I have a handle on how to manage and live life!
Through processing and prayer I have come to two-and-a-half truths:
MOST IMPORTANTLY #1:This discomfort in managing my own daily life has pushed me into greater comfort living moment-to-moment presently with the Lord. Simply talking to Him. Asking for help. Seeking His guidance and voice above all else. Feeling peace amidst chaos because He is with me.
#2:As I press into Him more the more I feel His presence.
#2-and-a-half(same same as #2 but a little different): In the midst of my discomfort God doesn’t fix it (thankfully), but He does care for me in it. Through little things, seemingly insignificant experiences He encourages me. For example: following Meredith biking for the first time through the city…actually purchasing my own bike and now using it to get around independently…being brought to Olympic Stadium where I can freely run around a track, not having to navigate through morning traffic…holding a conversation in Khmer for just one sentence longer…the list goes on. The Lord gives me small moments where I feel more comfortable. More capable.
It is okay that right now I don't feel comfortable and that I miss that feeling. It is okay to say that outloud. This time is necessary and good. Soon enough this will feel like home.
And through it all I am comforted and cared for by my Father.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow; Praise Him all creatures here below; Praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts; Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
(I took this picture one afternoon while I was sitting in God's presence and feeling His peace here. To me, this picture illustrates this peace and it's beauty evokes such Praise!)
It's storytime here on my blog. So let me take you back to a night last week:
There I was on the Riverfront after dinner waiting to get a tuk-tuk. A mother approaches me with her baby boy in her arms. The boys eyes are half open...a look of exhaustion wears on the mother's face. There is an empty baby bottle in her hand. She continually motions to the empty bottle and opens her hand for anything I can give her. She looks at me and says something in Khmer. Emptiness and hopelessness are her eyes.
I wonder what brought her to this point. What was she born into?...who are her parents?...did she even ever know them?...was she born in Phnom Penh?...if not, when did she come?...what brought her here?...has she had any education?...has she ever worked?...does she have any form of support?...
I want to connect with her. I want to help her.
In that moment it really dawns on me for the first time: I cannot engage in conversation with this woman.
I am speechless. Literally.
I have no words that she will understand and vice versa.
100% speechless.
The reality:
We am surrounded by brokenness over and over again without speech here. All of my previous experiences and training is useless. My social work education and skills don't amount to diddly squat right now. The many class hours spent learning and practicing how to work with someone experiencing brokenness is entirely inaccessible. I've got nothing to bring to the table right now.
"Exactly." I hear the Lord say. The reality of being speechless has humbled me. God has used this to set my heart right!
Ministry doesn't start when I am able to speak. Ministry starts now. Ministry is possible now. Ministry is possible now because prayer is possible now.
I stood there, held the baby boy's hand, felt his fingers curl around mine, looked in the mother's eyes and in silence, I prayed for her. Not praying quickly and half-heartedly, waiting to start conversation and wanting to help through my words.
I found myself praying for her with greater urgency and praying more expectantly because I had nothing else to offer her.
This is ministry now. Prayer. Intense and expectant prayer.
Through this frustrating language barrier, God is starting us off correctly... Not on our two feet but on our knees before Him.
I pray even as we learn the language and are able to interact with Khmer people that we remain a ministry primarily on our knees.
Officially my first post from on the field in Cambodia...finally here!
This is our second full day here in our new home in Phnom Penh and it is incredible. As we were flying over this city and actually landing in Cambodia I was overwhelmed with a sense of the Lord's peace. Here and now, moving to Cambodia, the Lord affirmed that I am right in the center of His will. Praise praise praise the Lord. Praise the Lord for such peace which only comes from Him.
The past two days described in one word: JOY. Spending time with the Cambodia team of 4, who have been living here for the past 10 months (SO blessed by these women), navigating through the city, markets and shops with the 6 of us trying to get household items has been fun, exciting and unifying. FULL of JOY.
Well then comes dinner tonight. I was brought face-to-face with the reason I am here...the reason we are all here. We (new team of 6) met up with the team of 4 and we all headed to a restaurant on the Riverfront. As we were eating, talking and bonding I noticed the table next to us: an older caucasian man and a young Khmer girl. I watched him leaning toward her. I watched him reaching over and touching her. I looked at her platform high heels. She didn't look more than 13.
BOOM. Right there. Right in front of me. It stopped my brain. It stopped my ability to engage in conversation. It stopped my lightheartedness and laughter. It brought tears.
As I looked at her, the rest of her night played through my mind. Sex in the worst way possible. It made me sick. I shuddered as I watched him lean in and caress her. NOT RIGHT... NOT OKAY... NO. NO. NO! I wanted to scream out for her. I wanted to jump in the middle of them. I wanted to push him away. I wanted to bring her with me. I wanted to....I don't know....I wanted to....something.
My heart broke for her. I couldn't contain the emotions inside of me, so there I sat, tears flowing down my face, sitting at the end of our table right in the middle of dinner. (Thank you Meredith, KP and Jenny for affirming these feelings and leading in prayer right in that moment.)
This is real. These are real girls with heartbeats and beautiful faces that meet these old wrinkly balding men (tonight's case) each night. THIS IS REAL. And it is awful.
All I feel I can do right now is pray. Pray for these girls. Pray for these men. Pray for the Lord to slow me down, get me outside of myself, and recognize that this may not be my reality, but it is hundreds of girls' reality right now as I sit here typing on my computer. And because that is the case...I am called to care about it. I am called to do what I can.
Right now at 10:12pm...Prayer it is. Please join me.
Three words I would use to describe this past weekend in Georgia with my team, support staff, AIM workers, and other incredible people that have gotten put into this mix of ministry in only a way God could orchestrate.
We walk around as broken individuals with burdens of the past weighing us down. Past regrets, past pain, past trouble.
We all mess up. We all have things we wish we would have done differently. We all hurt. We all fall short. But not one of us has to carry the weight of the past with us. It no longer defines us. We have a Savior who took every single one of our mess ups, every single one of our failures, every single ounce of our darkness, He took it all upon Himself and entered into it with us that day on the cross. He took that heavy weight that crushes us to the ground and laid it upon Himself. We don't have to feel it any longer.
"When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross." Colossians 2:13-15.
We are His beloved. Doesn't matter what we've done. He sees it all and loves us the same. Each dark space in our beings....His light enters and we are whole. We are free.
Restoration. Healing. Freedom. Before this past weekend I would have said those were three words that describe our hope for the victimized women and children in Cambodia through Jesus working in our ministry. Through this weekend I was reminded that those are three words that describe what I am in need of and what I receive through Jesus.
The Lord brought me flat on my face before Him so that I could fully recognize this before I leave: I am not someone who has it all figured out going to help these people figure it out. No. I am a broken individual who is just as in need of God's grace and just as in need of Jesus Christ.
I have experienced wholeness and freedom through Christ. He has broken the chains in my life and I am able to step out of them, leave them behind and declare them alive no longer. I have received this freedom not so that I may store it up in my heart, but that I may share it with those still living in bondage.
There is restoration through Jesus.
There is healing through Jesus.
There is freedom through Jesus.
It is available and desired for each one of us. It is powerful and it is contagious.
Look out Cambodia...we have received it and we are coming to share it.
I went to meet a good friend for lunch yesterday at Bethel University, from where I just graduated two months ago. I found myself driving out of campus with tears streaming down my face.
Tears of celebration as I contemplated who I was going into school with the great work the Lord has done in my heart and in my life since meeting Him there.
Tears of something (not quite sure what) realizing that I am now entering into a new chapter of my life. That time at Bethel has come to an end and now it is time to move forward.
Most of all...tears of admiration and awe of the Lord. So many things came together during my time at Bethel in a way I did not expect so that I am sitting here right now preparing to move to Cambodia in a little over a month. I could never have imagined the good work the Lord was planning to do in my life over the course of the past three years at Bethel.
It is incredible to me! The Lord is incredible!
Let me share a couple ways in my life I have seen just how incredible He is... (feel free to share your own ways you've seen this...let's celebrate together :) )
One. I entered into Bethel and considered myself a Christian...but I did not know Jesus. Through different programs and what I thought were "casual random experiences" the Lord brought me to a place where my heart was open enough to let Him in. He powerfully revealed Himself to me and it was the first time I had ever actually realized that I am HIS BELOVED DAUGHTER! He loves me and He wants what is best for me. I need to stop searching in all the wrong places. "Come to ME, Laura...Follow Me. Live in relationship with Me," He said...and somehow that one night I heard it and I finally listened. I didn't even know that was missing but it changed my life. I thought I was going to Bethel simply to be educated and receive a diploma...turns out I was going to meet Jesus.
Two. I moved last summer near Chicago, away from school/home and could not find a job anywhere! It seemed silly sometimes to be moving there not having a job, as normally summer plans are based around a summer job :) Well somehow that didn't stop me and I went regardless. The Lord used this time to pull me away from my regular life and my typical daily concerns and we spent the summer together. Most of my days were spent reading C.S. Lewis, resting in Scripture and talking things through with my God. This time built a stronger foundation of faith in Him within my soul. I thought it was going to be alright...kindafun...butkinda crazy to just hang out all summer! I did not realize that these would be some of the sweetest moments of my life. I got to know Him in a way I didn't know was possible. I thought I was going to have a fun carefree uneventful summer...turns out I was going to be pulled deeper into a more intimate relationship with my God.
Three. I was registered to go on an Interim study abroad trip to Europe to study psychology. I had always wanted to go to Europe and I love psychology...PERFECT! One day the fall before that January trip, for a reason I can't remember, I decided to switch my application to the Cambodia Social Justice course. Looking back, I don't remember a concrete reason why I did this?? Seemed nonchalant to me...not a big deal...just decided to travel to a different place. Would be a fun trip and a great experience! Turned out to be MUCH more than this! I did not realize the Lord was getting me there to strip me of my comforts, truly for the first time show me what it means to rely solely on HIM, and allow me to see His heart for the people and the country of Cambodia. I fell in love with these people and this place. Leaving knowing that many continue to live in bondage as I went back to the states broke my heart. God aligned my heart with His in such a way that it changed the direction of my life. I thought I was simply going on a trip to experience a new place and learn a little about justice...turns out I was going to my future home.
I look back over the last three years since coming face to face with my Lord and I sit in awe when I reflect on this common theme. The Lord orchestrates everything in a way I can't imagine! I had no idea how powerfully He was going to move and the ways He was going to work through different experiences and times in my life.
He plans to work in and through experiences in ways that we cannot see...cannot even imagine. And it is so much richer and more beautiful than what we thought!**Cue celebratory cheers and excitement!!!!***
(You're welcome for the random cat picture to the side but really, what says excitement / celebration better than a cat jumping in the air in the midst of a multi-colored confetti rain??)
I never foresaw or could have guessed His plans for me. But wow are they good. They are just so good. So much better than what I had in mind!
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
Here is a note I write to myself to carry with me as I move forward:
"Laura, you never know what I have planned. Just follow me. Choose me. Seek relationship with me. You cannot see the big picture. That's okay! Remain faithful. Let me work in your life. Remain surrendered to me so that I may do my work through you. Follow me even though you do not know where I am leading. I know where we are headed and I promise you, stay close to me...hold on to me and watch me work in your life. My plans are WAY better than yours."
I can't wait to write a similar post in a couple of years about Cambodia. About the work the Lord does IN and THROUGH our team, and the ways He moves in our lives and our ministry the next couple of years...I cannot even imagine. I have no clue!
...I cannot wait!
Thank you Lord that your plans are so much higher, so much bigger and so much better than my own. Help me to FOLLOW YOU and allow you to work in my life to ultimately bring glory to you.
TIME TO CELEBRATE...WE CERTAINLY HAVE A REASON TO!!
Tuesday afternoon in Takeo, as I was showering my mind wandered to my typical shower in the states. Hopping into a porcelain tub, turning the water on, adjusting the temperature to hot (but not too hot!!), pulling that little thingy up so that the water starts coming out the showerhead. First shampoo, next face wash, conditioner, and finally body wash. Once I’m all clean turn off the water, grab two towels, one for my hair, one for my body, dry off and mission accomplished: clean as a whistle!
I had the same reaction with the cooking/eating process. One of the two teachers cooked for us the entire time (he is 21 and is a GREAT cook…we chatted about him opening a restaurant someday. I’ll be first in line to eat there. But that’s neither here nor there :) ). He cooked everything in one of the classrooms. There is no separate room designated as a 'kitchen'. There is one wooden cutting board and one big knife that he uses to cut everything: the fruits, the veggies, the meat, all of it. There is no refrigerator, no oven. No sink. No running water. We used the same three glasses for any and all beverages: hot tea, coffee, water. No particular dishes for specific culinary needs. At the end of the day all of the dishes/cooking supplies are kept on a wooden shelf outside. So different but man did we have great meals and delicious food!
ries. Starts with remembering which market is best for which foods, how to get to the market- tuk-tuk/walk?, if walking, remember how to actually get there, remember what the appropriate prices are if I am going to attempt to barter, remember the money values in Khmer so that hopefully I can barter in Khmer and consequently get better prices, if I can’t remember the Khmer then settle knowing I am getting charged more than I should, being okay with that, take the food, make sure I get the right change blah blah blah...I find myself in a chaotic whirlwind of checklists in my head of what to do next, what to say, how to say it. It is new, it is different, and I still don’t feel comfortable in it. 
There I was on the Riverfront after dinner waiting to get a tuk-tuk. A mother approaches me with her baby boy in her arms. The boys eyes are half open...a look of exhaustion wears on the mother's face. There is an empty baby bottle in her hand. She continually motions to the empty bottle and opens her hand for anything I can give her. She looks at me and says something in Khmer. Emptiness and hopelessness are her eyes. 
All I feel I can do right now is pray. Pray for these girls. Pray for these men. Pray for the Lord to slow me down, get me outside of myself, and recognize that this may not be my reality, 
Three. 
